Um, hi.

It sure has been a few years, huh?

Graduated college.

Began a domestic partnership with a man five years older than me.

Got two cats and a dog.

Stopped painting.

Stopped writing.

Stopped reading.

Overworked and underpaid.

Going through a pre-midlife and identity crisis simultaneously, which is fun.

Missing a lot of people right now.

Lonely.

New chapter.

I have met an amazing and beautiful man. I am painting again. My last relapse was nearly four months ago and I'm feeling strong. I'm drawing again. School is fine so far, work sucks and I'm looking for a new job.

I'm excited about things again. This is good.

How fortunate,

that I am once again completely and utterly alone.

Drugs?

mmm. drugs.

I guess I just can't.

Lately, I've been terrified of being alone, in any sense of the word. If I am by myself in my room, I have to remedy that and have someone over immediately. I can't seem to be alone anymore, or I get scared. It's really dumb and I can't explain it, but it's also incredibly annoying how much I've begun to cling to people.

I can't write anymore. I can't draw anymore. I can't concentrate or read like I used to. Now I just kind of take up space and stare at the walls. I really want to read something, or doodle, or just write down thoughts. I don't know why I can't.

Bleh. Shooting for a 4.0 this semester. Somehow.

a new low

My best friend's father put his hands in my pants, and I didn't do anything about it.

I am the dirt beneath your feet, completely unworthy of your attention.

have you ever felt blue?

i hate that feeling when you're about to cry and someone asks you if there's anything wrong or to cheer up and you try to smile but you just physically can't do it and eventually the effort of trying to smile for this one person has the tears spilling over. it makes me feel so defeated by life when i can't find the strength to smile in those moments.

"I'm a lover of freedom but I cling to the dust.
I'm blown by the wind, I'm a slave, I am lust."